Talking to carers, I notice that whilst carers do a huge amount of labour, caring, and putting other people’s needs before their own, they nevertheless exhibit a lot of negative self-talk.  I think there could be a couple of reasons for this:

1. Survival mode

Bell and Ross (2014) suggest that how we perceive and react to an external stressor (e.g. an unexpected bill, a relative is admitted to hospital) can create further internal stressors.  It’s possible that, if we have good support and resources, we can get that unexpected bill and think “that’s annoying” and then work out how to pay it without being too immobilised by stress.  It’s also possible that our reaction might be to create internal stressors that compound our feeling of being stressed, such as negative self-talk, unrealistic expectations, and inability to accept uncertainty.

When we are in survival mode we’re overwhelmed by stress.  I’ve mentioned in a previous blog that in situations of extreme stress the body secretes stress hormones so the person is constantly feeling like they are vigilant for and reacting to danger.  In survival mode this becomes a constant: there’s so much stress that all we can do is focus in (usually on the person being cared for), live moment-by-moment (and ‘survive’), and zoom in the right now (knowing that we are forgetting stuff, getting things wrong).  Returning to Bell and Ross’s logic that it’s possible for a person to react to stress by creating more stress e.g. by invoking (involuntarily) negative self-talk; in a survival mode the activation of negative self-talk feels more likely.  This is because in survival mode, where we are tired, potentially neglecting family and friends, forgetful and aware of making mistakes.  Though we are reacting to stress in the best way we can, we nevertheless put ourselves in a situation where we are conscious that we are barely coping: and this is where we can become critical of ourselves.

2. Compulsive sensitivity

Forssén et al (2005) did a study with women carers where they found that certain carers were incredibly sensitive to other people’s needs and pushed themselves (often into burnout) trying to meet those needs.  The carers experienced an inner demand to put the needs of the people they were caring for before their own.  Forssén et al called this “compulsive sensitivity.”  Forssén et al (2005: 666) describe how compulsive sensitivity shifted people’s sense of reality:

“Adjustment to the needs of the recipient increasingly shut out the person’s own needs. Together with fatigue and isolation, which in themselves cause feelings of powerlessness, this adjustment gradually distorts [carers’] sense of normality. Any move toward changing the situation causes feelings of guilt.”

When I did my own study with carers, I found that this drive to put the other person’s needs before the carer’s was something all my participants did.  In this study I linked this internal deprioritisation of the carer’s needs to negative self-talk.  What I found was that when carers did coaching they were able to recognise that they were talking to themselves negatively.  Coaching allowed them to think about how they could talk to themselves (and about themselves internally) differently.  I think negative self-talk emerges because carers internalise society’s expectations around caring as a selfless activity.  Negative self-talk is a way of downplaying the carer’s needs through self-criticism for not doing well enough or the emergence of guilt when a carer tried to do something themselves.  It’s like the ultimate form of taking responsibility for someone else, by expunging yourself – and your self-talk reinforcing this.

I’ve mentioned coaching as one way that carers can reframe negative self-talk, and I’ll write more on other strategies soon.  If this post has resonated with you and you want to deal with your inner self-critic and reframe how you talk to yourself, please reach out to us at info@careforyoucoaching.co.uk.