According to Martyn Oliver, Head of Ofsted, ‘Work from Home parents ‘make children think school is optional’’ (The Times, 16/2/24 https://www.thetimes.com/uk/education/article/ofsted-head-wfh-parents-make-children-think-school-is-optional-qtrmqpw9z?msockid=34df726570726a120a9366d6716f6baa).  Whilst this story mentions Oliver’s acknowledgement of the wider factors that underpin emotion-based school refusal, other news outlets leapt on the headline.  In shifting blame onto parents, these stories conveniently ignore the reality of:

• increasing school exclusions: exclusions are up by sixty per cent in England since 2011 (Ambitious about Autism, 2018); nearly 90% of those excluded from schools over the past 5 years had special educational needs (https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0025bcf)
• chronic under-funding of SEND services, with English councils’ high-needs budgets in deficit by £3.3bn (Shttps://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2024/dec/22/spiralling-demand-and-shrinking-budgets-why-englands-send-system-is-buckling).
• £100m spent on blocking parents efforts to get SEND support (https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2024/dec/22/spiralling-demand-and-shrinking-budgets-why-englands-send-system-is-buckling)

Many parents are forced to leave the workforce precisely to support their neurodiverse children.  A survey of 900 parents by Ambitious about Autism (2019) showed that 30% of those surveyed gave up work due to school exclusions and 20% of respondents had reduced their working hours to part time.  Thus;

• Flexible working is essential for parents to be able to support their children, attend appointments, school meetings, not a luxury that enables various parent and/or child skiving as Oliver suggests
• These same parents who work from home are exhausted from having to constantly fight for EHCPs (which are denied – see above), and support.

Of course, to blame parents enables deflection of scrutiny of OFSTED and underfunding of schools. Sadly, parent blame is as old as the first identification of autism, with Leo Kanner on the one hand distinguishing autism as a distinct affective condition and on the other hand blaming children’s affective differences on ‘refrigerator mothers’ who were unable to give adequate attention and affection to their offspring to support their development.  Furthermore, it’s mothers who bear the brunt of the blame and social censure for their children.  Mothers are also more likely to be blamed for school exclusion (Mallace, 2024).  Ward (2014) speculates that the combination of mothers being out in public with their children more frequently than fathers, and because of society’s expectations around the mothering role, they encounter more overt criticism and stigma.  Children are also blamed (see Potts, 2020), because they do not conform to ableist assumptions about how they should be at school, which again refracts back on parents.

So blame is out there and socially-legitimised as a way of not confronting other inconvenient truths.  What can we (as the recipients of blame) do about this?  It’s easy to feel angry, helpless, and defeated when people fail/refuse to see how hard and how much parents work to support and fight for the rights of their neurodiverse children/children with additional needs.

We can challenge the blame.  I speak with many parents who contradict judgments and advice offered by (possibly well-meaning but ultimately stigmatising) people: they do this with varying degrees of success.  Challenging on an individual basis can come with some risks, but broader support groups and forums can provide solace and support.  National Campaigns such as the National Autistic Society’s #A constant fight challenge the narrative that pushing everything back onto parents is okay.  Work by Dr Naomi Fisher; Eliza Fricker; Heidi Mavir, and Danielle Jata-Hall among many give support and advice for parenting differently to support children’s individual needs (rather than molding them to fit with social norms).

Alongside these campaigns, the challenge can also come from within us (and this is where coaching can help!).  A study by Moses (2010) found that some parents were able to facilitate a process of “unblaming”.  Through ‘unblaming’ perceptions of self-blame were reworked over time, and parents redefined how they saw themselves, and were able to be positive about their parenting.  This process was underpinned by wider support (often family support).  A key tool for this process it to have a perspective about ‘contribution’ to an issue. Stone and Heen say that one way to move from blame to a more neutral stance on a conflict is to look at what each factor ‘contributes’ to it.  This is a shift from judging to understanding.  Thus, rather than parents blaming themselves for a child’s non-attendance at school they can consider:

• What did I contribute to this situation? (“I put the needs of my child first.”)
• Who/What else has contributed to the situation – e.g. the school?, government underfunding?, the local authority?, etc.
• When I look at the different contributors and what they have contributed, what do I think now?

And ultimately:

• Does blaming myself help me in this situation?
• What can I tell myself instead?

This subtle shift in language gives a different perspective: it doesn’t bypass the larger stigmatising social narratives, but it doesn’t accept them either.  Coaching can be a helpful space to support you to build this repertoire of self-affirmation and move away from self-blame.

If you want somewhere to talk about a child’s school exclusion, to disentangle this from self-blame, and to start doing some ‘unblaming’, I’m here to hold this for you.  Care for You Coaching offers a safe non-judgmental space where you will be listened to.  We will support you to support your loved ones.  If any of this resonates with you, reach out to me on info@careforyoucoaching.co.uk